*sigh* shane left sunday morning at 6pm on his flight. He'll be back in Iraq by now.

I miss my army man so much!

I'm currently trying to type him a letter so this entry will be short. I miss my baybee

I'll write more about his visit later...

Be safe Shane. I love you

well shane's been here for three days now. Well technically 4 but he came in at 10:30 at night friday and its monday night now.

=) *clings to him* well actually he's out sleeping in the trailer and I'm here...but yah you get the idea..hehe

we are leaving tomorrow, he's going to visit his family and I'm going to vegas with my brother for his birthday

Shane gave me a present today. It was half unexpected, because the other day in town he told me to go to the car while he bought something. We were in the jewelry section too so it was kinda obvious what he was going to do. He waited till today before giving it to me. Thats what was unexpected. Cause I had nearly forgot about him buying something the other day. And the present was like O.O seriously. It was diamond earings. like... way expensive ones. I kinda went "ah how pretty..." at first before thanking him and getting up to show them to people. It was either that or cry. I wasn't going to cry over the earings, even though they are mega nice (still feel weird, so not used to people buying me things) but it was what he said before he gave me the little white and silver box wrapped with a purple bow that made me almost cry happily.

I was going to write down word for word what he said, but I think I have a few words off in my head...I'm so sleepy right now for one thing, its way late, for another I'm too lost in my own world to remember it exact....but it was basically this..

"you are very special to me, this is valuable but not as precious as you are..." <--- yup I was off..that wasn't it. But he was basically telling me he loved me hehe which he said too btw.

I giggled over them in the bathroom to my aunt (nervously of course hehe and happily) as I cleaned them and my ears before wearing them. I put up my hair and I told her I had almost cried and how sweet he was. And he earned points with my grrrma I think because he gave it to me infront of everyone. I don't think that was his original plan I think he wanted to give them to me alone, but emily (my cousin) saw his packaged and kept jumping around demanding to know what it was lol and telling him he should give it to me.

Shane told me later he was worried at first that I didn't like them, because of my "ah how pretty" thing lol, but its like noooo I love them! But I was going to cry and I jumped up instead. The fact that I wore them right away kinda proved that I liked them hehe. I love them. And no not for the present, though that was sooo sweet of him! I'm high maintence, but not because of what I wear or whatever. Its more because I cannot deal with certain things...Like alcohol. I just...can't. But in other ways I'm laid back go with the flow we can have mcdonalds if thats we can get, type gal lol.

anyway...another subject. Went to town today too, finally told aunt necie that I didn't like drinking and alcohol around me when we went to eat at a mexican food place(she was getting into the habit of drinking 1 martini evertime we went everywhere). She asked me what I meant and I told her especially because of my mom things were making me feel really bad and all that. She told me just because you have one drink doesn't make you an alcoholic or drunk and that I've been around her when she had one and knew better. I told her I knew that, but it wasn't HER drinking...it was.....and thats when I couldn't quite get it out what I meant and she piped in with "because its on the table?" and I was like "yeah, because its there" I explained i get tummy aches and headaches and really feel horrible around drinking. (Plus...I didn't mention this...but she was driving and since Shane's in the military and was with us, if we got into a wreck at all and he survived the army would of nailed his butt to the ground because he could of refused to get in the vehicle rather than go with someone who had any alcohol in their body even if they were not the ones who caused the wreck.) so yeah. I told her nevermind she can do as she wanted and I'd be fine...she ordered a diet coke. I told her she didn't have to that I coud deal with it and she said it was fine she didn't have to have one. so that was so nice of her.

Well I gotta go. I'm going to draw a picture of shane for his mom (we are going to go have lunch with her tomorrow) and I thought giving her a drawing would be a nice surprise. =)

so sweepy....

Six hours until I get to see Shane again...

Just six more hours...

I can't hardly sit still! I can wait..I've waited over a year I can wait 6 more hours

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

so excited!

Well lets start with the good stuff...

Tomorrow suprirse birthday party for my aunts 40th B-day, got her an "over the hill" icecream cake. Made decorations, and bought her roses. So we will surprise her tomorrow. Her birthdays not till monday so she's not expecting it.

one week till Shane gets here! I can't wait to see him. Its been over a year since I saw him...well technically it'll be 369 days on the 14th...but...who's counting right? On the subject of counting its been...give or take a day 567 since shane left. Well.....about 560 days I've not been with him...since he visited for a week last year. *sigh* it still feels like a long wait for a hug

One week and a half till my brothers birthday. He's turning 21...o.o scary

been selling quiet a few paintings, mostly portraits for people. Joy?

and...the sad/worse news....

My mom...is worse. She was in the hospital yesterday but there is not much they can do so they let her go back to my uncles. Her kidneys are giving out on her now as well as her liver and other areas. For the past three years if not longer (she's been sick more like 6...or 7.. o.O) anyway...for three years they say there is no medical reason as to why she's still alive. To me its just the grace of god. She looks so bad now too...whitish ontop of the yellowish....and...alot of other things that I don't wish to say but she looks bad. Tonight my uncle tried to keep her from going to the bar...she went anyway. But as grrrma says at this point with everything already starting to shut down there isn't much we can do and stopping her from drinking willnot change things at this late point.....I so want shane to call so I can talk to him..but I'm not going to email him and tell him to do that unless ...well I just won't unless things get worse. he'll be here in a few days. I dunno I just ...want to talk to someone about it. And he understands some. I cannot get upset or talk about it too much with people here because I have to be strong. I don't know if I'll even talk to him about it. Probably will. I can't help but tell him things ...its this weird effect he has on me..heh...but yeah... *sighs*

Well here is updates.

Yay for updatedness?

first off....the doubts I were having were kinda...I dunno in my head I guess. For I feel much better now once I decided a few things on my own. And the fact that Shane is coming made me feel better to begin with. Plus God is just awesome XD

Um I'm doing okay I guess. School is out for the summer so I don't have to work which is nice I suppose. I miss hanging out with the kids though lol. (kids heheheh the oldest are like 8 years younger than me...when did I get old enough to say "kids" to those who are 16? =P)

anyway!

Um...going in for surgery tomorrow. Getting a weird bump removed on my side, they think it's just a cyst and can almost guarantee there is nothing cancerous or anything like that. so joy?

SHANE'S COMING! AHHH!!! *girlie SQUEALS!!!* XD! *hugs him* He's getting to visit next month XD
My brother is also turning 21 next month and I'm going to las vegas with him because I promised him years ago that I would go with him. Its during the time shanes here though so that sucks, but he wanted to visit his mom anyway so it kinda works out. We'll get to visit for a few days then he'll visit his mom and I'll go with my brother and Grrma, then we'll pick him back up on our way home so I can be around him more. ^^ Though thats the plan so far. I hope it works out that way. I'd hate to not be around him when he's here. that would sooo suck. >.<

Evie and David are gunna be a granny and granpa soon again, Davids oldest daughter is having her second baby girl any day now. Emily is excited to be an aunt again.

I'm in a size 8!!!!! *SQUEALS* yay yay

going to go got to get up before the sun to go to Oregon for my surgery. fun fun...

update later as always..

I just...don't know. I'm worried and confused and just..blah.

For the first time I have doubts. Not about what I feel and think....but on a different area. Not doubts about me....just...


*sighs*

=(

the worst part is I can't talk to anyone about it....

and no its not just suddenly, I've been worred and confused and concerned for a while, I had a doubt yesterday.....after the fire I read something I probably shouldn't have..even though I was given permission to do so a long time ago.....I... just....

yeah....

Who dude we just had a fire across the street. Within 8 minutes it went from small side of the road to burning up tree's and everything. It was soooo close to burning down three different houses. My uncle, Me and my cousin all ran out and put hoses together and started spraying. My cousin started spraying AT the fire and I told her to ignore the fire and spray around it so it wouldn't get bigger. Just when it started consuming the tree and almost got the vehicles the firedepartment finally showed up. Just in time too! Another minute or two and houses would of been burning thats how close it got. I got some pictures of it but they show up as mostly smoke lol. Its still going but the firedepartment has it under con..


sorry I had to talk to the sherrif for a minute about the fire. Anyway its under control but we still have five firetrucks out there (well TWO actual firetrucks that spray water and 3 firetrucks that carry fire fighters in, along with two road blocker trucks and two other trucks from off duty firedudes who came). Calling the firedepartment sends it first to a town which is like WAY far away lol couple hours, then to one close to me, though its like "dude...there is FLAMES next door" and they are like "do you know who caused the fire?" and its like DUDE! Lol where I live Flames mean the whole frickin neighborehood is going to be burning in 30 minutes lol. but yeah. I'm all covered in soot and ash and I smell like smoke. o.o lol I had to wash my hands cause I had dirt all over them along with ash because we were RIGHT next to the fire....dang it was soooo hot! But its like NO one was out there, and I wasn't about to just stand by and watch as everything burned >.< Another neighbore lady came over and helped as well. I just gave a case of waterbottles to the firedepartment who came.

Yeah well I have to go and help out more. Might write later....

Another update... to my life. As it is. eh..yeah..

I dunno alot of weird things been going on, good things, and just blah things. Let start with the weird.

For a while this guy was following me around, he'd LITTERALLY follow me too, it was kinda creepy. Plus when he stood next to me I had to KEEP moving over or he'd be all over me. And no joke, one time I didn't move fast enough and he all started to lean on me and all that. Its annoying. But I haven't seen him lately thankfully. I think he finnally understood I wasn't interested and that I had a boyfriend.

Another weird thing is I was pulled over for the first time by a cop early last month. And I the weird part is I'm 23 and that was the first time being pulled over...ANOTHER weird thing, he didn't even ask me for my ID or insurance or none of that >.> I was with two other girls and I was dropping them off at their dads house (they are like 18 and 14). So yeah that was weird. I was soooo relieved that I didn't get a ticket for something I had no idea I was doing lol. He just asked if we were okay then let us go on our way. I think he was looking for someone in particular....either that or he knew who I was. Everyone knows who I am yet I have no clue who half of them are....

okay onto the good stuff...

Heard from my mom, she's alive and well (as can be expected I guess...) she's living on the River right now....no idea on all that but its good that I at least have an idea of where she's at. She's really sick. Its so sad.

Um..my brother and his girlfriend broke up..not really sure if that counts for good news or not because its good because they were bad for each other..neither one of them were happy..

I'm 179lbs! Woo! Lol thats defenitely good news. ^^ I'm going down! lol

and blah stuff...I'll have to update that part later I have to get up and work right now.

yeah...I'll write more later I guess.....

Well still sick though a bit better (allergies mostly), now if I could only shake my cough. Its getting annoying.

Day two of my diet. So far so good. The foods a little odd, but nothing tastes bad yet... cept their so-called "toast" lol. It doesn't taste bad exactly...its just like eating cardboard. Everything else is good though.

It's easter, and the day was relatively okay for me, I loved church as usual, all the babies loved on me. It was so cute ^.^ I got to hold Joanna and Ray the most. Though baby alice went to me for a little while. I wish I could say the same for my aunt, she just didn't take things well today and it was hard because it was almost like people were ganging up on her but they didn't even realize that they were doing it. Eh....

Not much that I can talk about that has changed, the school I work at is getting remodeled during spring break to make room for all the students we have. Its a small private school (christian school actually) and we have 26 students! Three years ago when My cousin started there, she was the 8th student. Now we have 26! Wow...growing =) More than doubled our student population. So thats cool.

Stores doing okay....picking up quite a bit too. Which was a relief, this last winter was soooo slow it was scary. Litterally.

Oh shane emailed me the day after I last posted, he and his friend did buy a laptop together they split it type deal. That way they won't have to wait in line to use it so hopefully that means I'll be hearing from him more (....he has to get the comp first though, he's having it sent here and I'm going to forward it to him.) though I STILL hope he calls me soon. I miss his voice. =(

yeah well thats all my news right now that I can think of...so I'm going to go..... eh..I'll update this at a later date...

oh just thought of something, I've been getting alot of commissions lately, I just did three portraits and I already have five more lined up. Now ...I just have to get myself to do them XP

Well another update in my life. What to type what to post? I have no idea.

Well I'm having issues lol, my thyroid's started going wonkos again and I was sleepy and feeling bad, all the normal symptoms that my meds were off, but this time it was worse...but I found out why last week. My thyroids had actually started to kick in and work, which means I was being over medicated. Which explains alot of my feelings. Plus for the past year my doctor's been watching me and telling me I was becoming depressed, and lately thats gotten worse. Now don't get me wrong, my personality won't let me be depressed the whole day...but during several parts of it I didn't want to do anything and I'd get really down and depressed. so now he has me on St. John's wort, for the next three months. Only because I refused to take an antidepressant. This is basically one, but its natural and all around safer. so I of course chose this one. So decisions and choices..joy! Not sure if they are working yet or not...its been one week today. MY aunt's doing it with me, she giggles alot more lately so I think perhaps they are starting to work.

Shane's doing alright, he's still in Iraq, I rarely hear from him, which is part of my downess I guess too. But He's over there fighting and healing people, he got mentioned in the battleton newsletter, and recieved a medal for saving people. So I know he's doing alright. I just wish I could hear from him more. But that's just my selfish wish ya know? He emails me when he can, I hope he can call soon. I do talk to his mom alot though, via emails and occational phone calls. I miss him. I worry too....its hard not to with him way over there and me in the US. Plus he's been away for over a year now as well. Hard not to worry and have some thoughts when they've been gone that long. I'm not sure where we stand, or what will happen, but I do know I love him and I'll wait while he's away. Things will sort themselves out later. If he reads this..which is doubtful, I don't think he's been able to since 04, but just in case; I miss you baybee!

Well my brother is living once again with his girlfriend in Oregon. They moved in together (which I was against....thats like marriage without the committment..but anyway) they moved in together, they fought, he moved out, now he's back. I don't even think they like each other really with how they talk about each other and too each other. No idea what to say or think on that area. I haven't seen my brother in several days either. =(

My uncle robert...not sure if I've mentioned him before, but lately he's almost died several times. He had a tumor that he didn't take care of for over 8 years, and finally went to the doctor...it turned to be over a 38LB tumor they removed, he's doing raditation treatement nows, and is at home (his daughters home anyway) but thats goodnews, for he almost died several times, they had to cut holes in his neck so he could breathe, and for a while he was in a coma. So things are looking up for him. The scariest part is when they cut into him to remove the tumor, 6 pints of blood gushed out and his body went into shock because they had to pump in cold blood into him...they didn't expect him to loose so much blood so they were not prepared for it. He had a small stroke because of that too. Your body only holds what..8 or 9 pints? something like that. So that was scary. Again he's doing better now.

Well gee...just full of peppy news tonight aren't I? Now some more happier new?

My thyroids are working! Which means my metab is working a bit now (joy!) they doctor took me off my really funky diet (pretty much it was no nothing lol, no potato, no starch, no white rice, no white flour, no salt, no sugar, no ground beef, no oil, no canned foods, no frozen foods except meat and veggies, and nothing pre-packed other than froze meats and veggies. Can you seriously look at that list and think "okay..WHAT Am I supposed to eat then?" lol pretty much homecooked things, alot of brown rice, veggies and meat...but anyway back to my OTHER ramble...) I'm off that diet, and now on a new one. My old diet was 1600 calories, my new diet 1200, but I get some foods, but I'm trying "Nutrisystem" the diet plan they send you foods, my doctor told me to go on it, I get more food variety, but I'm on the "diabetic plan" even though I'm not a diabetic....its just better for me. So yah...I should be getting my first batch of food tomorrow. HOpefully...I can't wait to try it. Doctor told me because my thyroids are working now and because this diet will be balanced I can loose anywhere from 18 to 35 pounds in the first month. I hope I loose at least 10. That would be awesome heh. My aunt is doing the diet with me. So is my other aunt actually. (one of them is actually diabetic though, so good thing thats what plan we are getting)

Another good note, my grrma and family are trying for me, they are making an effort to ask about Shane, and to include him in things, and we were talking about baby names the other day, because my cousin is going to have a baby name, and I told them I wanted to name a girl, if I had a girl someday, after my grrma and my aunt, but I couldn't think of a name that would go with one of the names I really liked and my grrma goes "I like Shane with it, either before or after the name you picked" so I was like "eeee I like that too" which was really cool. Made me happy at that moment.

I think Shane bought himself another laptop..not sure. Though he did give his first laptop to his mom to use since she didn't have a computer...or she needed a new one lol. Can't remember. Anyway, I hope he's saving money while he's gone too. That was one of the things my family was worried about...whether or not he was like my brother in that aspect. My Brother is HORRIBLE at saving money. if he has anything in his pocket he'll spend it. Though I wasn't aware Shane could have his own computer in Iraq...but then its possible. Who knows =)

Well I'm going to go. Havn't been sleeping well last week or so, because of this cough and stuff I have, its because they are spraying the fields around us (farm and ranching area) with chemicals before planeting, and I think I'm allergic to them. If I don't get better soon I'm going to the doctor. But its like..I'm fine one minute and then I'm hacking and coughing and not breathing the next. Fun... heh

No idea when I'll update next.